I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
