So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
