i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
