Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
