Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
