I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
