The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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