the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
