She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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