Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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