Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
