happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
