why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
