I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
