Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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