I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
