bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
