I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
