I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
