Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
