You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
