My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
