dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
