my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
