my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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