Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
