he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
