Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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