Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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