So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
