I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
