I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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