She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
