those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
