Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
