walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
