tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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