Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
