I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
