Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
