I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
