....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
