i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Are we still banned from the library?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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