please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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