I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
