He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
