You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
