haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
