I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
