someone get that fucking seahorse.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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