im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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