And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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