cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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