I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
