I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
