Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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